And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Slut skills are useful in every country.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
