Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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