This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
