Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
