Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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