Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
