Duck Duck Cougar?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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