Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think my moral compass just broke
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