She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
