If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
