On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
