i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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