i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
