Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
