Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
