it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
