I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
