I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
