It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
