she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
