I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
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I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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