i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I met the friendliest cop last night
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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