My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
