College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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