I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
