btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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