i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
