Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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