had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy