The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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