Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
