So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
