508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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