he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
