And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
