the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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