I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
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Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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