I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
