Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
