Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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