I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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