I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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