forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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