I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
