My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
