Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
