there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
