Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
