i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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