i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
