I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
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