Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
