my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
