Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
