if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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