GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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