Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
