ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
