it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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