is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
