You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
