everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
