I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
