watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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