If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
