so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
