I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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