No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
don't judge my taste in strippers
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
