there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
