Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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