Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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