so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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